Another sleepless night

Here I am again, another sleepless night. Rolling around in bed, I started to think about how my life has turned out to be at 27. It is funny that when you are young, you always thought life will get better, easier, or more exciting when you get older. For most of us who have managed to have put more than two decades behind us, we know that the truth is cannot be further.

I also thought about how I should be more forgiving and magnanimous as I grow older. After all, we do get wiser as we age, right? Instead, rather than becoming more forgiving and magnanimous, I found myself to be easily agitated these days by toxic people around me. I certainly do find it more and more difficult to “forgive and forget”.

I do understand that it only hurts me more to stress myself out over some worthless toxic people. I do try to let go. However, when the lights are off, or when I find myself alone and pondering over these problematic humans I am facing, I just feel angry and my blood pressure just skyrocket.

Just in case you get the wrong idea, I am not an angry person by nature who lashes out at anyone over anything. Quite the contrary, I am, in fact, a very tolerant person. I have always been a cool and composed one, not easily excited or offended. So why is it getting more and more difficult to control my anger these days?

Perhaps after years and years of being an accommodating person who does not anger easily, I have finally come to realize that enough is enough. As such, my subconscious may be amplifying my feelings, so that I can take notice of my emotional health and start to take care of myself (like committing my thoughts to this blog).

Or maybe, I have grown into such an accommodating person that some people whom I work with take it for granted that I will not be aggrieved easily, and therefore, will try to take advantage of me whenever they can.

Recently, after one of our conversations, my friend, Ms. TNT suggested that I should go for anger management after I told her a long list of people and situations that have angered me. Perhaps I would, if I have enough money. I really do not enjoy being angry. I just cannot brush it off with a laugh like I used to.

Sometimes, during a long sleepless night like this, I wonder if the solution may be to occasionaly unleash my wrath at the toxic people wrecking my life. It may throw them off balance and turn the situation around. They may not be so willing to take advantage of my pleasant disposition if they know that there is a bite reserved for them behind the smile.

That said (or in this case, thought), I have been brought up in a family influenced by Taoist and Buddhist thinking and have grown up studying in a Chinese Catholic mission school (huh?). Being confrontational goes against my nature. Therefore, it would take a lot of prodding and aggravation to bring out my "dark side".

However, should I start to adopt a direct and confrontational approach to my dealings at work, I would probably gain a reputation as an aggressive asshole, becoming difficult to work with.

Perhaps the truth is, I do not know how to be effectively assertive when needed. Maybe there may come a day when I can grasp the fine line between aggressiveness and assertiveness. In the meantime, I would just have to find an outlet for my emotions, to ease those knotted guts of mine when I have to deal with undesirable toxic people and difficult situations in my life.

Golf anyone?